Start of a new term...........

Well it was back into school mode this morning. Alarms, packed lunch boxes, tears, mine, well not real ones, just at the alarm as I was having a very interesting dream and now I will never know what the star points all mean, or why my front yard was full of bright blue parrots, and why our cat Neo had fathered so many kittens when he was de-sexed, and why the hell were they all here? 

Note to self, cheese toasty before bed isn't a good idea! 

I really honestly wish the boys had another week off school. It is so quiet here without them. I am the only one up, and all I can hear is the sound of the clock ticking, and my computer keys tapping as I type this to you all.

I drove my boys to school, but I didn't walk them in. Child 2 is stepping up and doing the big brother thing. He had instructions, ( I repeated them several times, worry much? Me NO NEVER! Well maybe a pinch...) I sat in the car, Pink on the radio, heat bag on the small of my back, and watched while they walked side by side chatting. I watched until I couldn't see them any more, then I came home. I must admit that being able to daggy dress in ugg boots,  ( type of slipper) and track pants, was really nice. I just hope child 3 settles in without me , and comes home 'OH NO CHART' free. 

Over all I am very proud of my boys. They haven't had the best school holidays. It wasn't what we had planned for them. (Both mum and dad screwed, off work, and unable to do much of anything.) Child 2 even cooked dinner a few times. Well heated things in the oven, but he is only 10! He cooked eggs too, fried. They were lovely. He took really good care of his brother too. They both helped pick things up when we dropped them, and cleaned up, fed pets, unblocked the pond motor for the fish, helped me shop, and vacced the carpet. It was a lot for them to deal with. But they did it. Child 1 popped in twice and gave us a hand too. Staying out with friends, and the boyfriend was more pressing. I think we did her no favours letting her be such a child for most of her life. Well the first one is always experimental right?  The boys will not be so lucky, and so far it is proving to be very character building. I am lucky that I have a good friend, as I would not have made it through these past two weeks as well without her kind help.

Well I am off to another Physio appointment, and then home to read my book. I have to be back up and ready for work next week, as I can not afford another week off. So REST is what the doctor ordered and I will do just that this afternoon.

PROMISE.

PS: Happy Birthday (belated) to one of my dear followers. This ones for you.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Lest We Forget?

Today is Anzac Day. The day we stop as a nation and remember the men and women who have fort and died for our country. Fort for our freedom, and for the comfort we live in today. We thank them. 

Not sure what they would think about the world they have left. Probably turn in their graves. But the one thing we can take from the Anzac's is MATE SHIP.

On this day I share with you a story of MATE SHIP.

This morning I as I was making my way out of bed my mobile rang. I wasn't sure who it might be. Maybe it was child 1 realising that today is a public holiday and she would not indeed be able to get here with the bread and fish food that she forgot yesterday.


Instead it was my dear friend. The one who only Tuesday drove me to physio, and to the bank and to the car yard so I could give them the cheque. The friend who laughed and joked with me. "A day out with me...DRIVING MISS DAISY" 

I knew she had her brother's party on today. She had done so much for me already, but there she was, calling to check on us patients. "Do you need anything? Did your washing get done? Would you like me to pop in and do it for you?"

I was about to say "Oh no, it's OK..." 

(Me thinking of how the kitchen looked the night before. I muddled to make dinner. It had set off my back that evening and I was unable to finish up.)

But I stopped myself, and said "YES, That would be lovely. THANK YOU". 

I got up showered as I was at least going to be dressed, and was potting about the kitchen trying to fix some breakfast when she arrived.

She came with a huge bowl of home made soup, Pea and Ham. Dinner for tonight. She gave me a book she had just read and enjoyed, as she knew I was bored. She washed my dishes, and washed my clothes. Changed the sheets on the boys beds, and made them. I don't think they have had a made bed in weeks! Made us all lunch, and cleaned with the boys their room.(Well she did the lions share) Scary really as you never know what could be under the bed? She hoovered the whole house too.

"Go sit down Criss, I can handle this!" she said. I was feeling guilty and was trying to help.

So I accepted this kindness, and sat myself down and started to read. It is a good tale so far, I think I will enjoy it. 

It wasn't long before a hot cup of tea was brought to my little side table, when child 2 heard the ice-cream truck. MR WHIPPY. He doesn't come past very often. Maybe 3 times a year. She took my boys and grabbed my wallet. I have never seen the ice-cream truck ever drive slow or stop to sell the ice-cream. If he did he would make a nice pretty penny as the children would delight in his sweet treats.

Off they went. They couldn't catch him. Child 2 slowed them down trying to find his shoes. But she and child 3 raced down the road where they had seen him go, and then looked and looked. After a while they returned, hot sweaty, and empty handed. But I just could not believe how selfless this act was. How sweet.

By then it was time for her to go and get ready for her party.

As she left it dawned on me that this was true MATE SHIP. The true spirit of the ANZACS. We are not at war, but we have fallen, so to speak, and she wont let us down. It is what I admire most about us AUSTRALIANS. We don't let our mates down. When disaster hits, we rally. We do what little we can, and it all adds up. 

Never underestimate the smallest act of kindness. To the person you are giving it to it means the world.

The ANZACS stood by their mates. At least this is something we haven't lost.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.

Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,

They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them.

Staying positive...........................

Getting there slowly. Work has been really good about it, however the lack of income is starting to bite. I am looking into getting some assistance in the form of a short term government sickness payment. Not sure if we can, but if they can help hubby at least while he is out of work, it would mean one less thing to have to worry about. It will not be anything near what he can earn, but it is better than nothing. So grateful we live in such a good Country.


Last night, we shared a moment of pure joy. Nothing exciting to you I am sure, (no not that kind of joy either....I WISH!lol), but for us it was a win. The kids fast asleep, and I stand to get hubby a drink. My heat pillow slips out from were it seems to be permanently tied to my back. THUD. It hits the floor.

"Oh NOooooo!" I cry, as if part of my life support has shut down, and I have but seconds to live.

Hubby and I stare at one another.

Do I risk bending down and picking it up, or just cope with the lack of heat to my spine and the increased pain/discomfort that will bring? This is the question we can both read in each others eyes, and for a few seconds we actually weigh it all up.

Hubby speaks up "NO don't do it, kick it here..." he said. "...Kick it over onto my foot"

I quickly understood what he meant. I kicked it slowly over to where he was sitting, and managed to get it onto his foot. I then sat down next to him while he lifted his foot slowly and carefully off to floor. As soon as it was close enough I grab the heat pillow.

WE CHEERED! Really we did, out loud, and high fived each other. A win. We did it by ourselves. YEAH. It's the little things that taste so sweet. lol

Yesterday the car arrived. I couldn't drive it, so the car yard, once they had the cheque in their hands, sweetly drove it home for me. She is so PRETTY, and CLEAN, and she smells so NEW. Only 13kms on the clock. Only we can have a new car sitting in the driveway that NO ONE CAN DRIVE! lol

This was hubby's face book status:~

"I've got a brand new car sitting gleaming beautifully in the driveway and I cannot even sit in it, never mind drive it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Maybe in a week or two we will actually be able to take the new baby for a spin??  Fingers crossed hey!


I hope you are having a good day. Keep smiling, and stay healthy. Till next time.

HUGS

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE METEORS...................

A huge event happens tonight in our history. But here in SA it is cold wet and raining, thus chances of seeing this is ZERO.

Attention sky watchers, the night sky is about to get a little more interesting tonight!

Tonight is the peak activity of the Lyrid Meteor Shower.  It happens annually as Earth passes through the stream of debris from the comet Thatcher.    On any given year, people can observe 10 to 20 meteors per hour.  Some years the show is even more vibrant and intense.  Unfortunately, a lot of the show will be “dulled” by moon light tonight.  Basically, this means that the moon is at a fuller phase and brighter.  It will wash out the appearance of the more faint Lyrid meteors and only brighter streaks will be visible. 

Here’s what you need to know about watching them.

Time:

The meteor shower is best seen right before dawn Monday morning.  This means you would need to be outside between 4-4:30 AM. 

What to do:

• You’ll need to get outside of any city as the city lights will make the meteor shower too difficult to see
• Allow your eyes a good 30-40 minutes to adjust to the dark
• Lay back and look directly overhead
• You might also want to grab some blankets to stay warm
• Sit patiently
• And no equipment necessary, just your eyes!

The meteor shower will still be happening throughout the entire night. Due to how bright the moon will be, it will be more difficult to see the meteors.  But it’s not impossible! 

http://fox59.com/2013/04/21/lynrid-meteor-shower-peaks-tonight/#axzz2RAxN6oH3

Read more: http://fox59.com/2013/04/21/lynrid-meteor-shower-peaks-tonight/#ixzz2RAzmcXwK



So if you happen to have clear skies, and pop out to watch, please take pictures so we can all see this incredible sight.

ENJOY.

I think I have had enough now.....

OK, OK, I am trying here. I understand that I can not be my own number one show. I need people. I need them as much as they need me. I am grateful for them and all that they have to offer, and I love them with all my heart.

I am very aware of what I have, and am grateful for that too. I do not take for granted the times when I can function like a normal human person. I am especially empathetic to others who live in pain. 

I get an amazing thrill when I can have a drug free day. Or i can last two weeks without treatment.

I am trusting that my job, and my bosses understand, and will help me get back to work at my pace.

What is it that I am not getting? What lesson is it? It is something that hubby needs to learn too as he is in the same vote.

Maybe teach me less painfully? 

I hope I figure it out soon, as living like this is really hard.

I am asking here now. I need help. I am diving into my inner self and looking for answers, anything that may explain why I find myself repeating this lesson?

Well what a difference 24 hours makes......

Yesterday I was stressed. Yesterday I was frustrated. Yesterday I wasn't in a good way. Yesterday wasn't a good day.


I woke up late, I was in a lot of pain. I took strong pain killers to cope. I had to get to the shops, we needed food. I waited for the drugs to kick in. They did, but left me feeling ill and my head was spinning, and all my body wanted was to be left alone and to go back to bed.

My darling children, oh my darling children, they almost ended up homeless yesterday.

When I got up and slowly made my way to the kitchen, I dodged lego on the floor, items of clothing, a toilet roll, probably care of the cat, and three very hungry cats weaving themselves in and out of my legs.

(Not something you want when you are suffering back pain)

Once I reached the kitchen the sight I found was not one I had hoped for. In fact it wasn't even close to the kitchen I had muddle over the night before to get tidy. IT WAS A MESS. So I over slept, it wasn't that long was it?

Bins overflowing, rubbish falling out onto the floor. Some broken egg shells by the fridge door, completely ignored. Cats frantic now and jumping up on the bench. Dishes piling up, milkshake glasses, cuppa soup dirty mugs, melted cheese on plates. Half eaten meals left to go to waste. Dirty dish cloths on the floor. 

My wonderful list of things to do hung un-read on the notice board.

I made my way down to the laundry to see about the cats. Sure enough, bowls empty, litter tray used, and where are my children???

PLAYING GAMES AND FIGHTING OVER THEM!

You can see where this is going can't you?

Well MOTHER lost it. Which didn't help my back any. Slowly with much complaining the house was restored. Dishes had to be done by yours truly, as child 1 still has the sore wrist. 

Child 1 who came home to help out, was the worst. Moody, sour faced, and generally unpleasant all day. Getting her period. She turns into Godzilla.  Even the boyfriend has suggested she stay here till it's over! I thankfully have never been like that. Hubby can back that up. Like he said "If you were like that, I wouldn't be here!" It is pretty bad people. BAD!

She did finally get off her butt and got ready to come shopping with me, although she spent too long in the shower, and had it so hot that by the time the boys got in there was NO HOT WATER! It only happens when she is home. So we had an unhappy Daddy who couldn't wash, to add to the ever growing rotten day.

I can drive uncomfortably, but I can not wander up and down the shop aisles with out help. So I had no choice but to accept the help, and go with the negative flow. By now it was 4 pm, shops close at 5! 

Hubby was up by now, and thanks to child 3 trying to help him, he knocked hubby's legs sideways and sent a shudder through his back which set him back several days. The day before hubby was doing very well. Even managed to have a wander outside. He was smiling and joking, and hopeful. But yesterday he was back to his scared in pain self, and couldn't manage anything for himself.

I took on the whole stress of it. Like I do, which I should not do. It didn't end well. Kids where fighting, and over the top. Both hubby and I just wanted it all to end. So frighten we were to be this dependant on this lot. I think the thought of just dying was almost comforting. To say I was going out of my mind was putting it mildly.

 To think that a week ago I had surprised hubby with some sexy clothing, and let's just say we had a very interesting doctor patient consultation, which resulted in a very happy evening indeed. If I could just turn back the clock.... (he was a very good patient by the way, recovered well, and as the lovely doctor that I am, it was on the house!) Date day was around the corner, and everything was just wonderful. I wish it was that easy to help him now!!

If this last statement actually worked I be non-exsistent! lol

Well 24 hours later, and it is like the GOD's have heard our screams. I woke up to the kids all playing nicely. Breakfast dishes done. Bins empty. Cats fed. Washing on despite the rain. Plans for lunch made. Child 2 cleaning his room.
Child 1 offering to help make some tea.  

I am so grateful. So utterly grateful. I don't know if yesterday's pain sunk in. I did cry. Or if child 1 over heard hubby and I fretting about the day once she went to bed? We have decided that it might be best to muddle through without her, and just have her pop in very few days to help with the washing and shopping? I feel guilty that she is stuck here, when she is could be with her man, enjoying life. 

I am grateful too that my back is not as bad as yesterday and I am coping very well on just the mild pain killers. Fingers crossed that hubby wakes up the same????

I do. I do believe in miracles. I do believe that each new day is a new chance to start over. Life is too short to be bitter and twisted, how ugly for your soul.

LOVE and kindness, understanding, it is the greatest healer.

Thank you to those of you who spared the time to listen to my rants, and remind me that all will be OK. You are such sweet souls.

So today I plan to man up, and just carry on. I have to get back on my feet. The car is ready Tuesday, and now it looks as though I will be handling that all on my own too. I haven't driven it yet. The thought of driving it in this state is scary, but I am a confident , strong woman am I not? I CAN DO THIS. It's just a car, more modern than I am use to, but just a car. MY CAR. It is so exciting. I just need us to be well again, and back at work, as paying for the darn thing will be tricky if there is no money coming in! So positive hats back on, and trust in our bodies to be able to heal and mend, and return us to a functioning state. 

"TODAY I ONLY SPEAK WORDS THAT ARE LOVING,POSITIVE, AND CONSTRUCTIVE."

"MY BODY REPRESENTS PERFECTION. I AM VIBRANTLY HEALTHY."

HAVE A NICE DAY, FILLED WITH HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Thank you for good friends.............

Well as you know hubby is out of action with his back. Slow progress, but progress un-the-less, which is fantastic. 

This set back as put a bit of extra pressure on me, as I have had to hold the fort, and be a one man show. It's OK, it's what we do when someone we care about is ill. He would, and has done it for me too.

But the strain of his weight on my shoulders has proved too much. This morning has proven that. I can't do it, and it freaks me out. 

Getting myself ready for work my back decided that now would be the perfect time to pinch and grab, and send shuddering pain throughout my entire lower back and shoulders. Pulsing pain is now banging at my neck, shoulders, and lower back. 

I took my strong medication, and tried a hot shower. Each movement threaten   me with disaster.  I called my Physio  booked out today. Waiting for a call back to see if she can fit me in somewhere.

Called work in a teary panic. They were very understanding. But it's not going to pay the bills with both of us out of action now is it? Called our Doctor, asked if he could see me too, was going there today for hubby anyway.

Heated my wheat pillow and sat down. Realised that for now I couldn't move. Crying I call my daughter and asked her to come home. She is on her way. She can stay a few days. Such a heavy burden to put on such young shoulders.

Messaged my best friend and told her what had happened. She came right over. I stopped crying just before she got here. Drugs making me feel off the planet. She was like my angel.

Within minutes  my boys had breakfast, my washing was off the line, and folded, and the odd dishes left on the sink where done. Hot cup of tea for me, and then she took off with child 3 to the shops to grab a few essentials, and something easy to cook for dinner tonight.

I sat here, useless, and so utterly grateful she was here. I am really blessed to have such people in my life. So very blessed.

Drugs seem to be doing their work and I can move about carefully, but I am paranoid. I can not fall down. Hubby needs me now. 

Car yard rang too, new car is ready to pick up next Tuesday! With any luck this day will be a long distant memory by then. 

So for now I just take it easy. I can't bend down, and with any luck my sweet Physio can fit me in and ease this pressure so I can function better.

Wish me luck. 

Something this back issue has taught me is that I can not afford to be shy about asking for help. Sometimes we can only get by with a little help from our friends.

THANK YOU xx

Purging..........

When I was a girl, I was molested. I say molested and not raped as full penetration did not occur, although that was simply because the boy in question wasn't really sure what he was doing. I can see that now. I was 8, and he would remove my knickers and rub his penis up and down the lips of my labia and moan and heavy breathe. To me it was a really silly game, and I didn't like playing it, but it was the only way I could get to watch the TV show I wanted to watch. This boy was 4 years older than me and a close member of the family.

This went on for about a year on and off. I told my mother, after a long while, she said that it was normal, that all kids experiment and and I should not be all up tight about it. So I stopped watching Dr Who. That way I didn't have to pay the ferry man. (The TV was in his room. My dad watched the news, on the other telly.) 

After that it was an old family friend. He would grab my newly developing breasts, which really hurt to touch, and squeeze them and try and tongue kiss me.  I that was during my  9th -11th years. The odd occasion when I was older, but I became really good at hiding from him. He was OLD. I mean grandpa old. He smelled too, smoker, and had white scum on his mouth all the time. My parents thought it was rude if I didn't greet him hello and good bye. I even got  into trouble, for failing to be polite. They were European  so the kiss on the cheeks and the hug was a normal form of greeting. But what he would do when they were not looking was NOT NORMAL, and I hated it.  I still can see his shaky hands and wobbly head.  He was a dirty old man, and he took full advantage. I would tighten my lips so hard, and he'd push his tongue hard trying to break through, but I wouldn't let him. GROSS! Again I told my mother. "He is an old man and you are a rude little girl with no respect for your elders!" I didn't care, I hid until I couldn't hide any more. "My girl" he call, "You will always be MY GIRL"  Even now it makes me want to puke. 

The others were much the same type of thing, and one man managed  to get his hand down my pants and played with my clitoris  and I was not sure what to do, but it all so felt good, but I was too young to understand what he was trying to do.  My mother was in the house, and when he stopped suddenly, I remember feeling that something was wrong about this game. Later, when I was a young teen, this guy offered me $20 for a blow job. I told him to FUCK OFF. But I had to ask my brothers girlfriend what a blow job was, as I wasn't sure if it was sexual or something to do with his hair?? It coincided with a boy at school who teased me about 'oral'. He said I bet you don't know what 'Oral' is! I thought talking dirty.... thank goodness for older girls.  My brother's current girlfriend drew me a picture and I remember swearing that "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! EWE!"  Well I guess with the right person it isn't ewe, but it was totally EWE at 13.

The last time I was 15 and another family friend. The family friend who was behind the reason why we moved 1000 kms across the country to start a new life. The one who  was trying to hurt my daughter, he would have, no question. He returned back to my house after dropping my mother and his wife at the fruit market. He used some lame excuse that he had forgotten his keys. Then he tried to get me talking about masturbation. I didn't even know what that was. Honestly. I was like this mushroom. I can't believe how naive I was. I was brought up Catholic and sex was not a topic to be discussed. 

He came behind me and placed his hands on my breasts and I lost it. I went ape shit, and I threw him out. I don't even know where I got my voice from that day. I never fort before. I was always so stunned when it was happening. But that day something snapped.

NEVER AGAIN was that happening again.

I wanted someone to LOVE me, NOT just want to FUCK me.

Some how I managed to keep myself pure enough for the man who would really appreciate it. For the man who wanted me, ALL OF ME, not just my assets.

I am glad of that. 

It is NEVER OK . CHILD ABUSE is wrong, and needs to be STOPPED.

My mother chose a known child molester over her own flesh and blood. She chose him, over me and my daughter. She made me go, and then lied about why  I had abandon her. I was the bad child. It didn't matter what I had done up till this day to help her. To take care of her. To love her. I only ever wanted her love. For her to be proud of me. She just didn't know how to love me. She loved the boys. My brothers. But us girls never really got the same love.

I guess all these things have bubbled to the surface because I went back into my past. I scratched the scab, and made it bleed. 

Not all my child hood was bad. I had many good things happen too. I have many happy memories. Much to be very grateful for.

Even with the child abuse, it helped me become this strong woman I am now. It is what makes me fight. Stand my ground. Fight for the weak, and for what is right.

I am grateful for that. 

It also made me a better mother. I broke the chain. NO MORE. NEVER AGAIN. My children are safe and happy, and INNOCENT. That makes me proud.

You can go to church and talk the talk, and walk the walk. But if you are a bad person on the inside, no amount of church going will fix that. I wonder what "God" will do to people like that?

Not my place to judge. I forgive them. I wont forget them. Karma will catch them I am sure. My job is to be a better person, friend, mother, wife. That is all I need to concern myself with.

So yes on occasion my inner child has hissy fits, and I have to step in and sort out her fears, and help her understand she is safe now. 

It is all in the past. What matters now is TODAY. So I SMILE.  I smile because I won. I don't need drugs or booze to mask the hurt. I faced it. I did nothing wrong. I was a child. I was innocent. I hold my head high, and I am grateful for my husband, and my 3 wonderful kids. I have every reason to be happy today.

Do not feel sorry for me. Instead join the fight to STOP CHILD ABUSE for good. Break the chain. Break the silence.

Well this wasn't supposed to happen.............................

DATE DAY:

Planned to go see the new Tom cruise flick, 'OBLIVION'.Organised babysitter for the boys, hair and make-up done, and my best jeans and T-shirt on. Hubby happy, kids happy, I'm happy.

Pop out while hubby was in the shower and got the boys some hot chips for lunch, put petrol in the car.

While out my back was twitchy  and not being very nice, so I planned to pop a strong pain killer and suck it up. I was going on this date, nothing was going to stop me. NOTHING!

I walked in through the front door, and mentally planned to play down how I really was feeling. But I didn't need to. One look at hubby's face said it all.

He was sat in the arm chair. A quick assessment of his clothes told me he wasn't dressed for an outing. Old T-shirt, daggy shorts, and bare feet. Our eyes met and his read only "I'm SORRY". My heart sank. Not because we were not going anywhere, but because I knew what had happened.

Turns out while hubby was getting dressed, he pinched a nerve in his back and that set him off. He couldn't move without huge pain, and his body was again crooked, and he looked as rotten as I felt.

So with the sitter still here...(thank goodness for older children) I assisted my hubby back to bed. We both took some strong pain killers, and our movie date turned into an afternoon of heat pillows and a nap.

The yummy pizza from our favourite pizza joint, now became the local Dominoes Pizza home delivery. Kids were still happy. They have no taste. All we could do is sigh and lament over what a bloody great pair we are!

So today is Monday, and I have been to work. I have an appointment with the chiro for me this afternoon, and Hubby is still laid up in bed. I had to let work know that he will most likely be off for the rest of the week, and again we have no money coming in except my wage. The daughter is off work too with  wrist injury, so her  income is zero, and mummy is covering her bus tickets, pocket money, and car repayments till she gets back on the working horse. School holidays too, so sorry kids, plan B! Stay home, and make do.

Our new car is due into the country this week, and we are expecting to be able to pick it up anywhere from the 16th - 20th of April. Now I am  a little stressed as to what I am going to do if it does came in.

Hubby was supposed to drive the new car home, while I followed in our old car. I can't drive them both! Nor do I have the confidence to drive the new one without first testing it about the empty car park.

Why is it that things always pile up on each other?

Hubby is also now depressed, as he isn't working, is in pain, and can't help me about the place when I need to. 

But we will get through this too. I am sure we can work something out with the car should it arrive, and work will be there when he is well again. He is a good worker , that  must count for something? Right?

So I guess I will have to suck it up, and be grateful for the past few weeks, when life was happy, and my man was happy, which in turn makes me VERY HAPPY. 

Now I must weather the storm, and wait for the clouds to shift and the sun to come back. With any luck it wont take long. It sure has been cloudy a lot lately.

Hope your week is starting off better than mine?

Are you ready to be a PARENT?

Take the test!

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local chemist. Tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life when you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

1.Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for five years — and LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing small children

1. Buy a real life octopus and string bag with holes in it.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no tentacles come out of the holes.

Time allowed: five minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

1. Wait.

2. Go out the front door.

3. Come back in again.

4. Go out.

5. Come back in again.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path.

8. Walk back up it.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back in the house.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least five times.

Test 8: Grocery shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries — without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a one-year-old

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure most of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the In The Night Garden, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Test 11: Mess

1. Smear peanut butter on to the sofa and jam on to the curtains.

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house on to the floor, then proceed with Step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another and leave them there.

Test 12: Long trips with toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. 

Important notes: there must not be more than a four-second delay between each Mummy, and include occasional crescendos to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for four years.

Test 13: Conversations with adults

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.

4. Stir.

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.

8. Don’t change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!