Thursday, 19 February 2015

Is being FAT really the end of the world?

If you are like me, then you spend a bit of time checking out facebook....I can lose hours looking at minion memes, and the now new....well new to me.......Pinterest. (Like I needed another distraction in my life!)

Daily I am bombarded with health news, diet shakes, recipes, exercise tips, and images of young well shaped, lovely slim bodied women. They look amazing, the food looks delicious, and I resolved to give myself yet another kick in the pants to up the some tummy crunches, go for that walk, make up a health green juice.....

........but at the end of a long day at work.....and coming home after doing the shopping, finding that the dishes have been left there convinitately for you to that the eldest child going out with girlfriends......and hubby has been called into work..... (There goes the back up help)......and so you get dinner, while doing two loads of laundry.....vacuum the carpet.....(because your best friend is popping in for a visit tomorrow, and you really can't handle the food crumbs the kids left you a day longer).......and your body is tired and suddenly feeling 20 years older than it is......and it is a hot 35 degrees outside.....even the cat won't move.......forgive me if I don't feel like jumping for joy if Miss Celebrity X lost 20kgs, do you want to know how she did it??? NO, actually I could give a rats #%*@!!!

 All I really want is a nice cool drink, to get off my aching feet and have a nap! Yeah right........back to real world.......... (MUM, MUM I'M HUNGRY......IT'S MY TURN TO WATCH TV........)

The truth is we can get so bogged down by societies expectations that we suddenly start to define ourselves, our self worth even, by that standard......

All of a sudden you are not a good wife, mother, sister, friend, member of the are just a FAT LADY. That's it, nothing more....just FAT!

Well I'd like to remind you all , along with myself, that the FAT, is not what defines us. It is just the shell....just the cover.....and we never judge a book by it's cover......... NO WE DON'T!!!!!

We women are the worst at self acceptance.....but the other day I was listening to my daughter complaining about how she is made to feel guilty that she is slim by other women/girls. As I listened I was stunned at how hurt she was. Just because she is naturally slim, and over the past 12 months has become allergic to most foods, due to a latex allergy, she has slimmed down a little more, and is now looking utterly amazing without trying too......This has put some people out a bit.....the green eyed monster of girlfriends has popped out, with off the cuff remarks like 'She is only skinny because she doesn't eat anything'  .....well she does......she eats a lot......just can't eat most the things when she is out......or most things other people she eats at home....or takes her own food......she can eat sweets, and that can really piss a FAT GIRL ON A DIET OFF......but she works with children and runs around all day after them, walks a few kms a day to work and back, (because she can't drive), therefore burns those calories right off..............

She has never put down her friends for their weight......after living with a mother with PCOS, and knowing how hard it is for me to shed even a kilo, despite watching how careful I can be with my food....she understands that sometimes it isn't only about the food we eat...... It really hurt her........she wanted to buy new bathers, but her 'fuller framed' friends didn't want to go with her because they didn't want her showing off her good body at them.......the shame was their's......they didn't want to compare their bodies with hers......they felt less......and so they made her feel less..................... SAD! But a good reality check is not just FAT people who get picked on or judged........So let's please just focus on the person!

Do I envy youth, and women who take good care of themselves......yes, but I also appauld them.......If you are willing to take the time and workout, eat well, to stay looking hot......YOU GO GIRL! I know you are not doing that to ruin my day.............

I was young and fit and healthy once too..........................don't believe me................check this out..........................

I was 18 in this was taken the day my hubby proposed.

Today.................28 years....3 kids.......back accident.....a lot of life stress and shit.....and PCOS...... later....... I now look like this.............

I am double of my 18 year old self.......or there is just more of me to love??? LOL 

It wasn't until after I had my first child that the weight started creeping on...... very slowly..............

Hubby went temporarily blind when she was 6 weeks old, and I suffered from Post Natal Depression.......I was caring for an abusive mother......a blind depressed hubby.....and a new baby with colic.........Not my fondest year....................

The stress, the lack of sleep, going back to work too early, the eating out of comfort, whatever was easy......quick....just getting through each started to transform me........

Guilt about how I was feeling, just fed the monster, I hated myself.....and I started on this merry-go-round called life...........

We moved across the state to start again, away from the crazy.....and life was better, but money has always been an issue since.......

It's only been the last two years that I have started to really understand what the last 21 years have done to my body....what I have done......and what I now understand was not all because I had the occasional cheese burger at Mc Donalds....... 

So,I am fat..........does that stop me from having good friends?
Does it stop me from loving my hubby or him loving me?
Does it make me any different as a parent?
Do I love my kids less, or perform less at my job?


I am still me..............I still feel the same, think the same, love the same, care the same, laugh the same, scream and cry the same......but I do not hate myself the same............

In fact, I love myself more now that I did when I was 18 and hot! Back then I was too young to appreciate how good I looked. In fact would you believe I use to cover up because I thought I was FAT! Seriously...........If I could have that body now I would so beaching it in a bikini...........such a silly girl......................but that stems from a child abuse issues, and a mother who always told me how ugly and unlovable I was...........not a story I care to go into now......

Everything, apart from the extra Criss I am carrying, is better now.....

If you lose the shame about the FAT, and accept that you are dealing with an illness, an illness you now have tools to manage, and fight can be open to LIFE.......honestly I kid you not...........really, I wouldn't lie to you............I don't accept what I say for it is my truth......................

I am HAPPY now......I am so grateful for the life I have been given.........I have a great job , where I matter to people..........I have the best hubby on the planet..............and 3 beautiful kids , which I supposedly couldn't have.............and I get PERIODS...........and as a bonus to my new found love and acceptance of myself......I now can really relax and enjoy sex....................which is even better than it was when I was 20 and hot looking! I can let the concerns of how I look go, and that frees my mind to stay in the moment, in the now, and when I go off, I go off like never before, and it is FABULOUS! Sex/Awesome Orgasams is great for  making your skin glow too...........BONUS!

I understand myself more.......I respect myself, and eat right.....and slowly I am turning this thing around...............

Will I ever be as slim as I was when I was 18? Probably not.........but as long as I feel healthy...........I eat healthy..............I teach my kids to be healthy............and I forget the FAT, and focus on the ME, the woman, the person, it really isn't the end of the world......

Be grateful for what you have..............keep moving forward in a positive direction.............there are no rules or deadlines for the destination...........just enjoy the ride as best you can...............

Till next time.................STAY HAPPY! 

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Welcome 2015

Hello, and welcome to a new year.

I haven't been too chatty lately, times sand seems to be falling through that hour glass a little too quickly.

I won't lie, the last few months have been a  little A LOT stressful, and hard going, but I feel that the top of the hill is in sight now.

Hubby's job was on the rocks, he barely got any work over the Christmas break. Which meant money was tight, super tight. Perfect timing with Christmas presents needed, and the upcoming busy January filled with 1 Anniversary, 2  birthdays, 1 rent increase, and a bonus guess what you are paying for 100% of the water bills now thanks very much, and the back to school parlava. 

It didn't help that I did my back a little again. Yeah me! Not super bad, but enough to put me out for two weeks.  So that , on top of hubby, and Christmas trading, and all that joy of retail , and not so happy customers, I decided the best thing to do was to take a time out.

I discovered that I hadn't had any annual leave in two years, so I asked for 4 weeks in January. Partly just to get out of such a negative space, and partly to get out of their way as another lady I work with was now unable to work in her department , which meant  we both had to work the same job. There was no room for two. So they were happy to give me my holidays, in fact they forced me to take an extra week.

Wonderful I hear you say, but it wasn't, our cat ended up dislocating his back paw toe, and despite the vets best efforts, he had to remove the digit completely. Our poor kitty was very grumpy, and sick for a full three and half weeks! Well you would be grumpy too if you woke up without a toe and no balls! $960 later, we have a healthy kitty. However the event didn't help put me in a relaxed holiday mood. Thankfully our daughter was on hand to help out on the vet bills, and some Christmas presents too....without which we would have had a glum Christmas day, and a dead cat. Yeah for working children!

To top it off when I got back to work, rosters needed changing, AGAIN, the lady in question was no better, so we can't work the same hours, and I was being pushed to work nights, which would mean my hubby couldn't work those nights, which meant even less credit card was getting a right flogging.... STRESS..... STRESS...... SLEEPLESS NIGHTS......

Long story short, it got a bit ugly, the union was called, but in the end it took a sit down meeting with the store manager and my boss, and my self, and a 45 min honest discussion about what this means to my family. A lot things came out of that meeting, and to just stay on the positive, I managed to secure a permanent part time contract for hubby. So now we will know exactly how much money we will have, and he will always have work. It also means that next year we can have a holiday together, paid. Something we have not had for a VERY LONG TIME.

Sometimes you just have to hold your head up, and be brutally honest. There is no shame in TRUTH.

It's OKAY to say NO.

So here I am at the end of all that. It has only taken 6 months!

Staying focused on the positive side of my holiday break, it was lovely to just get up when I wanted, and go to bed as I pleased. The freedom of school runs, and homework, and work was just lovely. I stayed up till 3-4 am, and read 5 novels. We had PJ's days, and just did not much as we were stuck at home. The cat is now more friendly and actually wants to be around us, not just for food, and I managed to lose 3.5 kilos, without trying. BONUS!

Mind you the stress of the past few weeks back at work has helped me pop those babies right back on! Which just proves that STRESS and lack of SLEEP, makes you FAT!

But life always has a habit of giving you a little shake every now and then. Makes to take stock, rocks you, makes you feel uncomfortable and forces you to make a stand, and make a change.

So here I am, my kids have all gone back to school, hubby starts his new contract next week, as do I.........that makes 4 roster changes since August 2014. So once we have adjusted to the new routine, I think things will start to improve.

I did away with the New Year Resolutions this year.....they never go as planned anyway.....

I am taking this year day by day.....

The only promise I am making to myself is to be true and honest, and not to take shit. Listen to my gut. Ask for help when I need it.

I go around like I have to be some kind of super woman. I don't. I am human. I can spaz out like everyone else on occasion, that is OKAY.

I have my periods on track, not something I especially am thrilled about, but for a person with PCOS , that is  a big deal. It means that something I am doing diet wise, life wise, is in the right track. Now I just need some peace in my life, so that I can keep going, and hopefully the weight side of things will follow as well.

I am FAT, but I am LOVED. To me that is a blessing. To be skinny doesn't mean I will be any happier. Life would still throw me curve balls. I would love to have my 18 year old body again.....who wouldn't, but as there is no time machine, and even if there was I wouldn't have the $$$ to ride it......I am here......middle aged, and surrounded by a beautiful loving family. I can't put a skinny price on that!

So heres to a new chapter........Welcome to 2015.......My wish for you all and for myself, and for this planet is summed up like this......

May 2015 be filled with laughter, love, security............and may all the wars and bullshit come to an end. May toxic food be removed, and health be in abundance.  May everyone find their happy place. May we all learn to love each other, and most of all be loving to ourselves. For it all starts with you.

Friday, 26 December 2014

Look at what we have become..........

This was sent to me via email today....
It is such a powerful statement of what our world has become...... 
take a look, and let me know what you think.

When we text to another when with someone, we reject the person we are with.











DON’T  reject the person we are with.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Alien fans.......let's help make this go viral!

Monday, November 10, 2014


Alien Isolation - the movie?

Hi guys. Well this morning at 6:30 am I finished Alien Isolation on Xbox 360. For me it was the most amazing experience. I loved every minute of it. I've been waiting a very long time to be able to play a game like this and I wasn't disappointed.

My interest in Alien actually began in 1978 when I read in The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper about a movie being made that was on a planet made out of bones! I was 15 years old at the time and this newspaper article sparked my imagination. When I finally got to see Alien it would be the first movie I ever went to see on my own, none of my friends were aloud to see it! As I stood in the foyer of the Regent Cinema in Wollongong, Australia, I was fascinated by the posters up on the wall from the movie. The poster that caught my attention more than any other was that of the Space Jockey. I'd never seen anything like it. Nobody had. What was it exactly? What was it sat in? A laser gun? A telescope?

Sitting there in the cinema closely following Kane as he made his way up the ledge and onto the platform........................... the camera pulls back...................... and there it is! It was such a pivotal moment in my life. I was stunned. Here it was, an alien life form. Nothing in the history of science fiction had ever produced anything like it, and nor has it since. The Space Jockey's ship, the architecture inside the ship, the cavernous chamber, was the stuff of amazement. Later on I was to learn about an artist by the name of H R Giger who created all of these things and of course the Alien itself.

As for Kane, well, yes, he just had to look into the open egg now didn't he! The Alien itself was also amazing. Walking out of the cinema that day I was energised in a way I'd never been before. I became interested in Science like never before, in writing. Learning about how movies are made, the actors, all of it. I'd watched Star Wars two years before and I also immersed into that, but nothing like I did Alien. That grungy grimy dirty VERSION OFscience fiction. The space ship design, the graphics, the alien life forms, it was all new to me and I just dove into it buying everything I could afford at the time and collecting whatever I could ever since.

Since then we've had Aliens which is also a favourite, then Alien 3 which I hated at first, but since watching the directors cut, like it as much as the first two. Then there was Alien Resurrection which, lets face it, was total shit! The latest, Prometheus, was amazing in so many ways, but ultimately I felt cheated and disappointed. Essentially Scott and company took Giger's designs and cheapened them. Ultimately few people appreciated that. To take something as amazing as the Space Jockey and turn it into a buff white guy in a costume/space suit was ridiculous.

So then we were left with what next? The prospects of Prometheus 2 doesn't excite me much as I feel that story line ruined so much that was built up in the first three movies of the franchise. Then I began to hear stories of another "Alien" game. After the disappointing Aliens: Colonial Marines I cautiously wondered what it could be about? The more I read the more I became interested. The initial visuals looked very familiar. Something good was being made! Cautious hope turned to excitement as some of the first game play footage was released.

To read/hear that the Creative Assembly had worked on Alien Isolation for three years gave me hope that it would be something quite special. It is! Now I must confess that I'm not much of a "gamer" I just simply don't have the spare time for it. However as I began playing Alien Isolation I couldn't help but find myself drawn deeper and deeper into it. How could one not? The sheer amount of visual information in front of one's eyes was epic! Fortunate enough to be able to play it on a brand new 55" Smart TV I found myself sucked into the environments of Sevastopol Station in totality. The fear, the anxiety, the frustration! That sweet perfect combination of superb set design, GRAPHIC DESIGN, story, sound and music was all encompassing. It wasn't just playing a game, it was an adventure. An adventure into something that harkened back to 1979, back to that little boy standing there in the cinema about to embark on something that would change his life. Here I was night after night fighting my way through Sevastopol Station as Ripley's daughter surrounded by things new and yet at the same time oh so familiar.

More than once I found myself being killed by either a Working Joe, a human or an alien, because I was stopped staring at the surroundings in awe! I could see Ron Cobb's influences everywhere. I loved how the story built as you read the events CATALOGUED on the computers. Ellen Ripley's last message to her daughter was a nice touch. The story is simply amazing! Very plausible and it opens up the "Alien universe" in so many ways, ways I thought that were much more intelligent than what Prometheus tried to do.

A big thank you to the Creative Assembly for the opportunity to walk on LV426 and go inside the derelict, MEET THE Space Jockey and have a good look around. That was all quite unexpected and came as a genuine surprise. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I took it all in. Simply amazing!

So, having finished it I must say I sat there reading through the credits feeling utterly exhausted. I really felt like I'd been on quite an adventure. And I know I haven't really finished it yet because I've got Survivor mode to get to grips with, then the Nostromo edition to start and then there's the rest of THE DOWNLOADABLE content to come. Wow, its a game that just keeps on giving! Then there's that not so small matter of what happens next to Amanda? Is it the Colonial Marshals with a rescue team that have showed up? Or a Seegson Corporation vessel? A Weyland-Yutani ship? Or some other ship?

This leads me to the title of this blog entry. Alien Isolation - the movie. I for one would love to see this story made into a motion picture! BUT! Only if Kezia Burrows plays Amanda Ripley. I couldn't stand it if another actress got the part.
Lets face it. She is gorgeous. She'd be so interesting to watch on the big screen, going through all she goes through in the game. Then there's the rest of the game cast. Surly that is a pre-approved movie cast? Then there's the set design, GRAPHIC DESIGN, music score, sound effects. THE STORY! It's all there ready to be utilised.

Think of the potential audience you'd have. Older people like myself who saw the original Alien back in 1979 right up to the young gamers playing the game now. My youngest son, who is eight years old is slowly playing his way through the game. My oldest, she is twenty loves it too and would also be happy to see it as a movie. My wife, who is not a gamer at all, is also excited by the prospect of Alien Isolation being made into a movie.

It would open the franchise up to so many more possibilities. Figures, scale models, comics, books, art books (yes I've got The Art of Alien: Isolation. It is amazing!)

I've no doubt that the talented team at the Creative Assembly have more than one idea of where the story could go keeping to the same theme they've set for themselves in Isolation.

So come on Twentieth Century Fox and the Creative Assembly, how about it!

I've set up a poll on the right hand side of this blog so you can cast your vote if you'd like to see Alien Isolation made into a movie, and if you'd like Kezia Burrows to play Amanda Ripley.

Lastly a BIG THANK YOU to the Creative Assembly for an awesome adventure, a fantastic game and a re-energising of my imagination and all the possibilities of where this could go now.


Monday, 3 November 2014

DIY projects and good intentions.......

A few months ago I got a what you'd call 'spring clean' bug. No, it was much more than that, it was more like a "I hate EVERYTHING, and it's all got to go!" bug.

Well we seem to have over the last 17 years collected a lot of stray bits of furniture. Old chairs, cupboards, rugs, mats, just things that at the time where much appreciated, but now are just old, and broken, and don't really match anything. Things like the boys wardrobe that was dropped while moving house, and despite several attempts at repairs, still had it's door fall off.

Another example of what I mean is things like  my sister is having a clean up, and my nieces old dining chairs in her shed collecting dust. We need a matching set, as ours have broken, and the seams are coming apart, and the cats have helped  accelerate the deterioration with their sharp claws. In short we have odd chairs. UGLY chairs.

So I say 'YES" why not, matching chairs, and free...............


They were left behind in my sisters shed for a reason. They are nice, and not ripped, but fragile as hell, and one chair has a leg completely broken.

Not having the heart to say "I really  don't want them now" (seeing how she drove them to me, and I now have them in my kitchen), I took them, and gratefully, as they do, however impracticable they are, look better then my current status, but I still have ODD CHAIRS, and now more broken chairs. 

All good intentions of family members to fix said chair, and re-enforce the others have not become fruitful, so I have solved nothing, and gained more clutter.

Lesson finally learned...... I will be no ones dumping ground, unless I am sure, and have seen with my own eyes what is on offer, and if it just needs a little.....................NO!

Any way, back to my insane desire to home improvement.

After discussing with hubby about what I'd really like for my birthday..... "all the shit thrown out" he agreed, but did ask that we do only one room at a time. (He also did buy me a lovely hoody with the words "KEEP CALM AND LET CRISS HANDLE IT" printed on the front, for my birthday. Such faith in me. lol 

Seems like a fair enough request. Sensible, practical, and full of good reason and common sense. So do I take it?


Our daughter, now seeing that things might look good, decided that she too would like to sort out her room. The recent bust up with said boyfriend, still has her in a state of retail therapy. She is buying, so why not.

I realise that my 6 year dream to rid myself of all the odd, the ugly, and mismatched, the broken, is at my finger tips, and I am going to need a huge skip to clear this rubbish up. It is/was/is intoxicating.

I have been saving, and after a recent visit to the bank, to sort out the finances, I am now credit card debit free, and just one personal loan to deal with at a lower interest rate, and have spare cash to play with. PERFECT. All my Christmas/ Birthday's have come at once.....

So daughter and I start shopping............................we soon discover that furniture is expensive, and to buy all that we need we may need to shop smart. We also discovered that NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE seems to build the bloody things any more either!

I am not un-used to screwing things together, having made most of the bookshelves and small office type furniture myself in the past, my daughter too, we had a sudden 'GIRL POWER' moment, and we felt we could do anything.

After a lovely day out at IKEA, and a quick stop at Chip as Chips, we had pretty much bought EVERYTHING we needed, except the room hubby said we should start with, and that was the kitchen. ( Ran out of money)  

But in my defence, we did between us get  A LOT of stuff, and we only had 2 delivery costs, where as hubby's way would have incurred more expense. Well that is what I am telling myself to make it all OKAY.

Now here in lies the problem. 

Daughter has no room for her things, with her current things in her room, so she moves her things, to kitchen, and our room, and where ever else she can stash it. Her huge book case, is now ours, so all the hall way things, books, DVD's, Photo albums, and pictures need to be emptied from current living arrangements and stored in new home. We did that, and it looks good, but now all that stuff is also in my kitchen.

We also bought a new desk for hubby's computer. So all his things went into the kitchen too, as we built, hammered, screwed, for hours. Trying to read instructions, that do not always make sense, and slowly becoming sick of this girl power movement we started.

Hubby mean while is TUT TUTTING, saying we didn't listen and now there is chaos, and don't come crying to get the picture........  he is right, but I wont say it out loud. Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell him......................

At least the cat seems to like it............

It is slowly coming together, but our house is still a mess, and things are still in the process of structure, and although I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I still have a huge mess to deal with which is doing my head in.

Our Miss is now taking a break from construction, which is not good, as it is her room with the most crap to sort, and we need her stuff out the way to be able to finish the boys room.

I am seriously over it all..................I thought in 2 weeks we would have it all done, and be shopping around for a new table and chairs, with buffet maybe??? But I really don't think so.............

I forgot somewhere in this girl power duo collaboration, that I also have a job, and I am also a mother, and I also do not have the strongest back in the world, and have definite limitations.........I forgot that the rest of world would not stop and take a pause while I DIY my home, and that I would be shopping, cooking, working, washing, and cleaning, as well as going through 8 years of stuff.  It is amazing the amount of things you gather. Scary actually!

So I am EXHAUSTED. Staying up till 2 am, waking up at 7 am and doing this repeated day after day is now really taking it's toll.

Hubby is now helping. I think he is just sick of the mess too, or he is feeling sorry for my lack of self control, but he is a perfectionist, and so building a small boy, might have taken us 4 hours, but it has been a whole 24 hours now, and he is still yet to screw anything together. It will however be put together well, and of that I am sure. Not like the boys wardrobe where my daughter in her rush to get it done, angled the nail wrong and spilt the wood. Thankfully it is on the top and at the back, no one will see it, but I know it's there. 

So the plan is by the weekend to have the rest built and set up, and then the rubbish removal can start. I have a few weeks left before house inspection, so it has to be all cleaned up by then. It will look good, and eventually the dining room will too...........Rome wasn't built in a day you know! But the next shopping trip will be with hubby, so I don't get talked into anything else by Miss shop-a lot. She really is a bad influence...........well is it fun spending someone else's money. (Hers) 

Wish me luck......but I can honestly say that if I don't see another Allen Key for the rest of my life, it will be too soon. At least all the clutter is disappearing...............YEAH!

Friday, 10 October 2014

It's been a VERY LONG WEEK! Thank goodness for the weekend. So happy I have it off. 

Hugs and Smiles to all xxx